Rent a Kent


How are the old woman and her even older man earning the money for their £120,000 rent? Already, these old age pensioners are facing severe deprivations. Princess Pushy and her Prince Michael of Kent have to cope with unfair businessmen and a critical Royal family, not to mention the bloodthirsty media and unfavourable public opinion.

Prince and Princess Michael of Kent

Indignantly, friends of the penniless Prince and Princess Michael of Kent keep on giving statements that Michael is still the grandson of a king-emperor and has been reared accordingly. Agreed, he never did an hour’s honest work in his life. It is just ghastly to treat him like a common tenant at his pauper’s abode in Kensington Palace. I mean, really, a tenant would be working for his money. How could a real parasite ever sink so low?

Prince Michael of Kent had led the royal soldier’s laid back life, but at 41 even that became too strenuous for him and he quit. The Queen, knowing the Prince for what he was, tried to foist him off on business by granting him the unique right to go into business. The Queen’s business sense was astute as ever when she made the move, but the object of her largesse was too incompetent. Soon though, companies were queuing up to add the royal name to their letterheads.

These businesses paid ridiculous sums just to have his name on the list of directors. Prince Michael of Kent cashed in on his title and his Royal connection; this distinction is usually and unfairly reserved for the Middleton family. At the peak of this career, he earned around $500,000 without doing any work at all just by renting out his title. For the businessmen it was well worth the money, being upstarts from the Great Unwashed it added certain panache to their usual names dropping to include my friend Michael in it.

Being by nature greedy and none too intelligent, he accepted a series of television appearances in US TV to market off substandard goods under the name House of Windsor. These ranged from crockery through trinkets to toilet brushes. Prince Michael's name was consequently mud and this not only with the Queen. The income from letterheads dropped drastically down to zero. And like every other failure before him he set himself up as a consultant. He was an expert on letterheads, so there certainly was a job opening somewhere. And he was an accomplished TV salesman as well.

But Princess Pushy was at her wits’ end. Being used to spending lots of money, not earning it, she started to plagiarize historical novels without great success. That’s when the Rent-a-Kent business came into being. For £25,000, the Princess would attend any venue, from opening a villa in Sri Lanka to showing herself at the Formula 1 Grand Prix. Nowadays these appearances are called lectures to make them more palatable to the untitled that have to work for their money. That Austrian just sells off her title.

Prince Michael had his looks worked over to make him look like the late tzar Nicholas II. This has given him an opening to expand the rental service to Russian oligarchs. He has come full circle; again he is giving his name to people having come from the Great Unwashed. Already the Russian connection is bringing him new troubles. We may expect his counterfeit to appear on vodka bottles any day now.

In between all this, Princess Pushy insists on pushing her royal-ness down everybody’s throat. Having grown up a hairdresser’s daughter in the backstreets of Sidney, this pushiness sits ill with most people. As to her royal connection in Central Europe, who doesn’t have them? There were so many kinglets at one time or another; it would be surprising if one wasn’t related to them as they produced children like rabbits.

Right now the poor dears are living in strictest economy. They were seen in Rome strolling through town. Obviously it was a financial strain to take along the car and the driver as well. I pity them for having come to such dire straits in their dotage.

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