A Bright Future for Saint John Paul II

After Pope Benedict XVI fast tracked his predecessor John Paul II into beatification on the way to become a fully winged saint, it seems there is a bright future for the latter once he manages to climb the final hurdle. 

Pope John Paul II

It’s a known fact that Catholic saints are the most unquiet dead on this planet. While everybody else goes to well earned rest, they pick up a long list of responsibilities, an interminable job description (they’ve got the time to read it, after all), and sponsorships of things they usually don’t even understand from the life they led (if they ever led one).

Take the invented saints of the early church, like Saint Marinus the patron saint of San Marino, Saint George the patron saint of England, Saint Sebastian the patron saint of the Swiss Guard in the Vatican, Saint Catherine of The Wheel the patron saint of the city of Fribourg, Saint Beatus the Apostle of Switzerland, and Saint Devote patron saint of Monaco and Corsica, they all accrued a long list of patronages for churches, monasteries, villages, towns, cities, regions, counties, countries, and businesses. So did more or less historical saints like Saint Gall the patron saint of the city of Saint Gall, Saint Nicholas the patron saint of county of Lorraine, Saint Helena the patron Saint of the city of Trier, Saint Matilda the patron saint of parents terrorised by their children, Saint Adelaide the patron saint of people in exile, and Saint Sylvester patron saint of the village of St Silvester.

All this means for the dead Pope that, after years of lollygagging around the Vatican, he finally has to work overtime. I have employed my considerable psychic abilities to look into the future for the saint to see where his patronage would be placed. I actually wanted to ask him personally, but he wouldn’t take my call being busy going through his job description; as I understand it, he is currently gagging over the fact that he has to intercede on account of prayers by just anybody, where he thought it would only apply to ultra reactionaries of the Opus Dei sect.

My crystal ball revealed to me quite a few patronages, some of them more obvious than others: He will become patron saint of:

Poland.

Paedophile priests, teachers, and nursery workers who are looking for protection from criminal persecution by applying to their church, superiors, or unions.

People who have been wrongly diagnosed with an illness. (Nun Marie Simon-Pierre Normand had been miraculously cured of Parkinson’s after praying to the late Pope. Unsurprisingly, she is reported sick again with another illness. Let’s hope for her that the diagnosis this time is the correct one.)

Frequent flyer bonus holders and companies issuing mileage bonus cards.

The tarmac industry (kissing tarmac will count as an act of devotion).

Men in frocks and skirts.

Permanently striking unions.

Church and state institutions for children, young people, and aged persons that keep strict order by abusing their charges.

Cheap language schools (where you only are able to learn a few useless common place phrases).

Terrorists.

Social services failing their charges.

Fast track railways.

People losing their right to a proper and undisturbed burial (Pope Innocence XI was chucked out of his grave to make space for John Paul II).

If you have seen more in your crystal ball than I in mine, please add your comments below. 

Further reading
A List of Popes in Book Form
And God Granted Their Wishes
First Woman Employee in the Vatican